The pressures of Instagram as a plus size women

Do you ever feel bad about yourself, about your body, your hair, even something small like your nails!?!
Me too.
It happens to everyone, I''m sure of it, it's an awful feeling, and for some reason when I feel like this I still find myself scrolling through Instagram, and it definitely doesn't help. Sometimes Instagram is an amazing platform and it brings me inspiration, and I love watching other people I follow flourish and be positive and confident, it truly is beautiful, but sometimes it just doesn't help how I feel about myself.
I have always been fat, and although I know in my head you can be beautiful and overweight, your self worth shouldn't revolve around your body, I can't help succumbing to the pressures and wondering would my life be better if I was thin? Would life be easier, would I have more friends, would I have had more success in life? Because the world whether we like it or not is unfortunately set up better for people that fit into that beautiful mold the media have inflicted upon us. I always remember when I had a sales job, and they would interview a new position ( I was the only girl working at the time) they decision on who to hire was made by which girl was more attractive. I somehow knew I only got the job because when I interviewed an external interviewer did the interviews, and it was a women who didn't judge us like that. I got the job on my own merit. And as lovely and amazing as the new hire was and we got on great, I couldn't help wonder was she really the best person for the job, or did she get an advantage because she was beautiful? If a pretty thin girl came in, they got better service from the guys, it's a small thing, but I've seen this first hand so now that always plays in my mind when I get this feeling.
I never wear make up to work, I am a lazy person I would so prefer the extra 15 minutes in bed. But one day I did wear make-up to this job and my boss turned around and said "You look so much better with make up on, you should wear it to work more often" now obviously I'm at no delusion I think I look better with make up on too, but I was a little taken back that my own boss would say that too me and that it even had anything to do with my work. I'm just saying we already but so much pressure on ourselves and when it gets affirmed like that stuff actually happens in life, it stays with you.

When I see these beautiful plus size women taking Instagram by storm, working to change the perception of peoples view on what is beautiful, I am such a big supporter, they are beautiful, they are confident and they should carry on what they are doing, but I can't help but think why isn't that me? Why couldn't I be considered a beautiful plus size women, I love fashion, soooo much! But I don't dress how I really want, because I am too scared of judgement, and when I see these women wearing crop tops and body-con dresses I think hell yeah I could do that and look good! And then I put it on and the thought of going outside dressed like that terrifies me, just to think of someone looking at me and judging me fills me with anxiety.

So sometimes when as much as a positive thing Instagram can be it sometimes brings an unrealistic view on the world, and puts pressure on people when there doesn't need to be that pressure, I will post a picture of on outfit I liked on me at the time, but sometimes it's taken me 5 outfit changes to get to that point and I still don't feel 100% confident when leaving the house in it.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this all down or what I hope to achieve from it, I just wanted to share how I feel in maybe the hopes other people feel the same way as me and realize they are not alone.
I think we need to remember the people behind the pictures probably took 20 other pictures that they hated! Maybe went through outfit changes or had to do their make-up twice because their eyeliner just didn't go right that first time! And sometimes we need to realize when we are starting to get those feelings as amazing and supportive as we want to be of other women it shouldn't be at the expense of how we judge ourselves.

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